Happy New Year!

I recently read a book titled, "Betrayed by God?  Making Sense of Your Expectations" by Shana Schutte.  It is an excellent read that I highly recommend.  It also pretty much sums up how I've felt for the bulk of 2011.  As many of you already know, I have been battling some "mystery" illness since the birth of my second daughter 3 1/2 years ago.  It is one thing to be sick or tired.  After all, I am running after 2 little ones day in and day out!  But its a completely different thing to feel, literally as if you are dying day in and day out.  On top of that, we lost my father-in-law unexpectedly nearly 15 months ago.  What a shocking blow that was to our family.  Grief is an interesting and sometimes ugly beast to say the least.  I've begged, bargained, and screamed out to God for healing in any form.  But screaming at God for 3 years not only leads to the loss of one's voice in the literal sense, but in the spritual sense as well.  Frustration turned to exhaustion, exhaustion turned into pleading (with God), pleading turned into bitterness.  The "I'm-so-pissed-off-at-you-right-now-God!!!"-type of bitterness.  (Which sounds nicer that F*** you.  Excuse my language.)  I begged to know what it meant to be blessed with good health and to know His promises of peace.  One thing the book has taught me is that it is completely, one-hundred percent normal to feel on occassion betrayed by God.  Who knew?  The difference in those that maintain that feeling of betrayal and those that don't is the sense that God has not, did not, and will not actually betray you.  Hebrews 13:5 says, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  So even if I feel as though I'm dying that day or my grief is just unbearable, the truth of the matter is, my God has not betrayed me.  He is still my healer.  His promises are still very real. 
The author of this book also defines a word that has been my motto for 2012.  Zoe.  This is the Greek word for "life".  The author writes, "'Life', referring to the principle of life in the spirit and the soul.  Zoe is all the highest and best that Christ is, which He gives to the Saints {me!}."  In other words, this abundant life is Christ himself!  What a blessing.  And what a promise I have no matter how I feel.
The good news is, I have actually been feeling better lately.  Whether its the new supplements I'm taking from my doctor or the realization that God is my only true healer and giver of life, I've decided that 2012 is the year to start living.  No more being stuck behind some illness, anxiety, or issue in my head.  I'm going to live just as Christ intended me to.  Will you hold me to it?  I know everyone seems to be blogging these days, but my hopes is with this one I will hold myself accountable to how I'm truely living, document my blessings in writing, and praise God for them.  And above all else, live my life with zoe!